Tuesday, February 18, 2003
CAN YA BELIEVE THE AMOUNT OF SNOW IN NYC???
DAYIM!
I woke up, yesterday morning, at 7am to find that the city had been buried under about 18 inches of snow. I looked out the front window of our apartment and saw that not one car was brave enough to tackle the treacherous roads. It was at that point that I called Rita on her cell phone (from the house phone) to tell her that there was no way that we would be going to work. After a few phone calls, Rita and I were in for our first and only snow day of the year. We put on some jackets and gloves and went to the deli to get ourselves some soup and soda. Once we got back to the apartment, we were happy to find Kelly sitting on my bed, excited for the snow day to begin. We all got under blankets and watched Minority Report.
I fell immediately back to sleep, so happy to be in my bed on a Monday morning. Kelly and Rita watched the movie as I lay snoring my face off. I woke up sometime around 1:30pm to find them gone from my room. I climbed out of bed to find Kelly’s sister, Aly, and her 5 teenage girl friends chilling in our living room. (They had come down for a whirlwind 48-hour visit) The rest of the day was spent drinking beers and playing cards. I had a very good time and I know that Kelly was happy that Rita and I spent the day with her sister’s friends.
I haven’t seen Paul since Friday night and I was really missing him yesterday. I was supposed to go over to his place on Sunday night, but I was pretty hungover from the night out with Joanna and frankly, I want to spend as much time in my house as possible these days. Paul was a bit pissed that I didn’t go over to his place, but was still planning on staying at my pad last night. I must have called him 37 times yesterday trying to figure out what time he was coming over. At about 9:30pm I started to give up and assumed that he was ditching me, the way I ditched him on Sunday.
Paul called around 10:30pm to check in.
Here was our conversation:
Me: Hey. Where have you been? I’ve been calling all day.
Paul: Sleeping. It was a long night at work and I just wanted to come home and take a nap.
Me: So, should I assume that you aren’t coming over?
Paul: Yeah. I don’t feel like it. I’m still pretty tired.
Me: Paul, what’s wrong? You knew how badly I wanted to see you today.
Paul: I wanted to see YOU last night and you wanted to stay home.
Me: First of all, I am at your place at least triple the amount of times that you come to mine. Paul, you know I n------!!!!!!
(As I was typing this entry, Paul came into my office with a card and flowers. He just showed up. He never does that. Wow. What he did just now is why I am with him. How amazing.)
Basically, I tried to explain to Paul last night that I really need him right now and that I don’t feel like he wants to be there for me. Eventually I started sobbing to him on the phone about how sad I was and that with each day ending, we are one day closer to moving out of our apartment in Queens. At the peak of my crying, I said: “I just feel like the world is crumbling around me.” Paul responded by saying: “Oh Joe, you are so dramatic. The world is NOT crumbling around you.”
At that point, I hung up on him. I lay there in my bed crying and crying for about 15 more minutes. I took the phone off the hook and forced myself to try to go to sleep. At 1:30am, I was still awake and miserable. I put the phone back on the hook and stared at the ceiling until much after 2am, when I finally drifted off.
When I woke up this morning, not only was I exhausted, I just felt emotionally void. It’s been awhile since I’ve cried so much, on such a regular basis. The pain of Rita’s move keeps getting more intense and I’m almost at the point where I just want the move date to come so that all of this aching will go away. I know she feels the same. This is the hardest thing I have had to deal with in a long time.
While I know that this move to Manhattan is good for me…
While I know that Rita needs to move back to Syracuse in order to give her life new direction…
While I know that everything happens for a reason….
I can’t convince myself that I want all of this to happen. It seems like just yesterday that we all made the decision to move on. Cept it wasn’t yesterday. It was November. And March seemed years away. Now we are nearing the one-week point and I feel as though the weight of sadness just gets increasingly more unbearable.
I am not one to sit around and talk about how I am feeling. At least not when the feelings are so intensely bad. I usually run away. I hide in my room, or I stay over at a friend’s apartment and I ignore that which I need to confront. This time, however, I care too much about Rita leaving to spend even a second away from her. I don’t want to hide. And I surely don’t want her to have to deal with this alone.
Surely it’s not the end of the world.
But days like today give me a whole in my chest the size of Vesuvius. That’s MT. Vesuvius, just in case you were wondering.
It’ll all be ok. It’ll all be fine.
:(
I just read Paul’s card.
Here is what it says:
Joseph, (He always calls me by my full name)
I do not always seem sensitive to situations, but I apologize about that. I know what you are going through and how it feels. It hurts so bad to lose someone who is so close to you! (I have been through it) I want you to know that I am here for you. I will try to make more of an effort to be with you during this trying time. I have been selfish and I am sorry!
I miss you so much right now, but I feel like I do not deserve your presence.
There is a reason for everything, and only time heals.
Take one day at a time and prepare yourself for the future. You have so many people around you that love you. You just have to allow them to do that!!
Keep your chin up and look for the positives and new beginning. I love and care about you SO much Joe Cut the Shit.
Love,
Paul
Of course, because I am a lame ass crybaby, I got choked up the minute I read what he wrote. Paul’s not big on saying things from the heart. But this time he got me good. He totally made up for our fight last night and even more importantly, he has made me feel comforted in the fact that he is in love with me and that I really am not alone. Thank God for him.
Oh! Just so you know, Paul DID in fact give me a Valentine’s Day gift this year. He got me flowers, some candy (fat free of course), a pair of Jeans from Armani Exchange, and also a shirt from Express. Men’s Express. Yes, it really does exist. I loved the clothes, but even more so, I loved the fact that Paul made the effort to make my Valentine’s Day extra special. It was a wonderful day for us. It went smoothly and for the first time in 3 years, I had a beautiful V-Day.
So that’s that.
Kinda got a lot going on. So grateful for this journal. It’s like the only sane thing in my life these days.
It’s the one place where I can truly release.
DAYIM!
I woke up, yesterday morning, at 7am to find that the city had been buried under about 18 inches of snow. I looked out the front window of our apartment and saw that not one car was brave enough to tackle the treacherous roads. It was at that point that I called Rita on her cell phone (from the house phone) to tell her that there was no way that we would be going to work. After a few phone calls, Rita and I were in for our first and only snow day of the year. We put on some jackets and gloves and went to the deli to get ourselves some soup and soda. Once we got back to the apartment, we were happy to find Kelly sitting on my bed, excited for the snow day to begin. We all got under blankets and watched Minority Report.
I fell immediately back to sleep, so happy to be in my bed on a Monday morning. Kelly and Rita watched the movie as I lay snoring my face off. I woke up sometime around 1:30pm to find them gone from my room. I climbed out of bed to find Kelly’s sister, Aly, and her 5 teenage girl friends chilling in our living room. (They had come down for a whirlwind 48-hour visit) The rest of the day was spent drinking beers and playing cards. I had a very good time and I know that Kelly was happy that Rita and I spent the day with her sister’s friends.
I haven’t seen Paul since Friday night and I was really missing him yesterday. I was supposed to go over to his place on Sunday night, but I was pretty hungover from the night out with Joanna and frankly, I want to spend as much time in my house as possible these days. Paul was a bit pissed that I didn’t go over to his place, but was still planning on staying at my pad last night. I must have called him 37 times yesterday trying to figure out what time he was coming over. At about 9:30pm I started to give up and assumed that he was ditching me, the way I ditched him on Sunday.
Paul called around 10:30pm to check in.
Here was our conversation:
Me: Hey. Where have you been? I’ve been calling all day.
Paul: Sleeping. It was a long night at work and I just wanted to come home and take a nap.
Me: So, should I assume that you aren’t coming over?
Paul: Yeah. I don’t feel like it. I’m still pretty tired.
Me: Paul, what’s wrong? You knew how badly I wanted to see you today.
Paul: I wanted to see YOU last night and you wanted to stay home.
Me: First of all, I am at your place at least triple the amount of times that you come to mine. Paul, you know I n------!!!!!!
(As I was typing this entry, Paul came into my office with a card and flowers. He just showed up. He never does that. Wow. What he did just now is why I am with him. How amazing.)
Basically, I tried to explain to Paul last night that I really need him right now and that I don’t feel like he wants to be there for me. Eventually I started sobbing to him on the phone about how sad I was and that with each day ending, we are one day closer to moving out of our apartment in Queens. At the peak of my crying, I said: “I just feel like the world is crumbling around me.” Paul responded by saying: “Oh Joe, you are so dramatic. The world is NOT crumbling around you.”
At that point, I hung up on him. I lay there in my bed crying and crying for about 15 more minutes. I took the phone off the hook and forced myself to try to go to sleep. At 1:30am, I was still awake and miserable. I put the phone back on the hook and stared at the ceiling until much after 2am, when I finally drifted off.
When I woke up this morning, not only was I exhausted, I just felt emotionally void. It’s been awhile since I’ve cried so much, on such a regular basis. The pain of Rita’s move keeps getting more intense and I’m almost at the point where I just want the move date to come so that all of this aching will go away. I know she feels the same. This is the hardest thing I have had to deal with in a long time.
While I know that this move to Manhattan is good for me…
While I know that Rita needs to move back to Syracuse in order to give her life new direction…
While I know that everything happens for a reason….
I can’t convince myself that I want all of this to happen. It seems like just yesterday that we all made the decision to move on. Cept it wasn’t yesterday. It was November. And March seemed years away. Now we are nearing the one-week point and I feel as though the weight of sadness just gets increasingly more unbearable.
I am not one to sit around and talk about how I am feeling. At least not when the feelings are so intensely bad. I usually run away. I hide in my room, or I stay over at a friend’s apartment and I ignore that which I need to confront. This time, however, I care too much about Rita leaving to spend even a second away from her. I don’t want to hide. And I surely don’t want her to have to deal with this alone.
Surely it’s not the end of the world.
But days like today give me a whole in my chest the size of Vesuvius. That’s MT. Vesuvius, just in case you were wondering.
It’ll all be ok. It’ll all be fine.
:(
I just read Paul’s card.
Here is what it says:
Joseph, (He always calls me by my full name)
I do not always seem sensitive to situations, but I apologize about that. I know what you are going through and how it feels. It hurts so bad to lose someone who is so close to you! (I have been through it) I want you to know that I am here for you. I will try to make more of an effort to be with you during this trying time. I have been selfish and I am sorry!
I miss you so much right now, but I feel like I do not deserve your presence.
There is a reason for everything, and only time heals.
Take one day at a time and prepare yourself for the future. You have so many people around you that love you. You just have to allow them to do that!!
Keep your chin up and look for the positives and new beginning. I love and care about you SO much Joe Cut the Shit.
Love,
Paul
Of course, because I am a lame ass crybaby, I got choked up the minute I read what he wrote. Paul’s not big on saying things from the heart. But this time he got me good. He totally made up for our fight last night and even more importantly, he has made me feel comforted in the fact that he is in love with me and that I really am not alone. Thank God for him.
Oh! Just so you know, Paul DID in fact give me a Valentine’s Day gift this year. He got me flowers, some candy (fat free of course), a pair of Jeans from Armani Exchange, and also a shirt from Express. Men’s Express. Yes, it really does exist. I loved the clothes, but even more so, I loved the fact that Paul made the effort to make my Valentine’s Day extra special. It was a wonderful day for us. It went smoothly and for the first time in 3 years, I had a beautiful V-Day.
So that’s that.
Kinda got a lot going on. So grateful for this journal. It’s like the only sane thing in my life these days.
It’s the one place where I can truly release.
